Fertility Consult

My fertility consult is at 9. I'm so nervous. I hope it goes well. eek.

I met the CNM

First, this was hanging up in the exam room. I'm not saying it means anything, but I do like to find little possible signs :)

I had my appt at the new OBGYN office this morning. The CNM I met with seems nice and her background is exactly what I'm looking for. One of the best parts is that she worked at a hospital that is VERY Vbac friendly. I'm on the fence on if I want one, but I definately want it to be my choice.

My pap went great. I should have the results in two weeks.

I asked her about going back on Me*for*in and she agreed to 1000mg dose for the next couple of months. I will start taking that tonight. *joy joy* Anyone who has been on it knows what I mean. She also wrote me a script for zpac. I've had some kind of head funk for a few weeks and I'm pretty tired of it.

Now it's onto the big appt. I'm so nervous about meeting this new dr. eek.

I should be in bed...

It's 10pm and I should be in bed, but I'm here instead. Tomorrow morning I will go in for my not-so-yearly yearly pap and talk to the cnm about possibly re-starting Met*or*in. I don't think I need it. My sugars look great, but it can't hurt to talk to her about them on the off chance they are some kind of miracle baby making cure.

The real appointment that has me petrified is the one on Thursday. The IF center appointment. I feel like I'm heading in for a life or death interview. For some reason I feel like I'm going to have to justify my life and my choices because I'm single. What if they turn me away because I'm overweight? I'm always scared of that one...Logically, I've been through this appt before and no one ever commented on my weight and I weigh less now than I did the last time I was seen. The only real comfort I've been able to find over this is that I know at least a part of them does this for the money and I could very well look like a $ to them. If that's the case I think I'd be okay with it. I'd much rather have to deal with that then someone who likes to play God when choosing who they will treat based on "old fashioned" standards.

Okay, I'm off to bed now.

Getting closer

This morning I called the IF center to reschedule my intake because it was conflicting with an out-of-town friend's visit and it was cutting close to when I was suppose to get AF.  When I called, the receptionist gave me the choice of a female on the 3rd or a male on the 5th. I chose the 5th. So, my appt is in less than a week. Holy Cow! I think I will be saying that a lot in the coming weeks. eek. This is crazy.

Tonight after dinner I check my email and was surprised to find an email from the IF center. It was full of all the paperwork that I need to fill out before my appt. which includes health history, sexual history, pregnancy history, what organs I'm willing to donate for a chance at a healthy pregnancy...just kidding...There was also information on infertility counseling and what vitamins I should be taking at least one month prior to conceiving.

I called and scheduled my yearly exam for the 3rd as well. ick. I think the last time I had a yearly was 3? 4? years ago. I've been to this practice before and liked the cnm I saw, but she is no longer there. I heard great things about the person I will be seeing on the 3rd. I hope we hit it off well. It would be nice to already know who will be handling my care if there is a pregnancy at the end of this...a girl can hope...

On Monday I will send some paperwork to the s*erm bank, have my blood work results sent to the IF center and wait some more ;-)

It's getting closer.

Holy Cow!

CD 4

I'm sitting at CD 4. The next time I see CD 4 I should be starting C*omid. Holy Cow. It felt like a million years away and now we're almost at the starting line for this once in a lifetime do-over. The "last" vial all over again. I can't believe it.

There have been several times throughout the last 2 months where I wasn't sure this would happen. So many reasons have raced through my mind about waiting and not waiting. Do I dare attempt single motherhood with two children? Do I wait so my child(ren) can have two parents? Is this fair to my son? What happens if my pregnancy is one big catastrophy? What if something goes horribly wrong? I don't know, but my ideal in terms of where my son and I sit...I want him to have someone to walk this life with, someone he can rant and rave with about their crazy mom, someone who understands what it's like to have no father, but a donor.  Someone he can have that unimaginable bond with.

So, here I go, almost. My last attempt at my single parent dream of giving my son someone who he can grow up and old with that shares his full genetic make up.

whew

Before I went into the dr office to try getting the blood test taken care of I took a long hot shower. That proved to be the winning ticket because the MA only had to stick me once. I was so glad that my body cooperated this time.

Blood draws aren't painful. They're just a pain.

For some reason my body likes my blood and doesn't like to hand it over to anyone, ever. It's always 50/50 as to whether the MAs will be able to find a willing vein and then it's even more slim that it will actually drain. I've ended up having to head to the hospital many times. ICK.

So, when I saw the amount of vials yesterday (5) I knew I was in for an uphill battle. I laughed at the MA and said good luck. After an hour of sticks, gloves filled with hot water, 2 cups of chlorine tasting hot water to drink, running my arms under hot water and a flash light that sort of reminded me of a taser (to use this he had to stick me in the dark...) we had a grand total of 1/3 of one vial. awesome.

At that point I could either head to the hospital or come back tomorrow morning. I chose the latter. I'm heading back in about an hour. I hope my vains cooperate a bit better today. If not I'll have to head to the hospital.

Yowza...still moving forward

I went in for my dr appt last night. My GP was great and very encouraging. He ordered all the tests I wanted without blinking and even added some on because I said I want as many tests as possible. Now I'm just concerned he's going to suck me dry lol.
This is what he ordered.
ABO Rh
Rubella IgG
Hepatitis B Core Ab
Hepatitis C Ab
HIV 1 & 2
HTLV 1 & 2
CMV IgG & Igm
RPR
Chlamydia (PCR)
Gonorrhea (PCR)
Thyroid
A1C
Cholesterol
I don't even want to think about how many vials it's going to take. eek. I'm heading back into the office in a few hours to have them draw these because I needed to fast for the cholesterol.

Things are moving along

Since the last time I posted I have been searching my heart, talking to friends and listening for signs of what to do. I've decided it would be best to head back to the fertility center where they have all the fancy equipment and big opinions. I know if I did the procedure at home and came out of it without a BFP I would always wonder if it was something I did. Now, if I get to the end of this short journey without a pregnancy I can blame the doctor lol.

So...

I scheduled an ever-loving pap for Friday and my intake with the fertility center on March 21.

EEK.

Ouch

I called the fertility center today to get a quote on prices and you could have knocked me over with a feather. $1345.00. That is the cost for one simple round of a lightly medicated IUI cycle. For the very same treatment six years ago it was under $500.00.

I'm not quite sure where this leaves me. I don't know if I can spend that much for one chance. I understand that it's a chance worth taking if it works, but what if it doesn't.  Will I be okay with myself and making that decision if the stick stays white and we're still a "mommy-son" family? Will I be okay if I opt for the at-home approach and the stick doesn't turn blue though? I don't know.

Thinking out loud or maybe more like venting?

I have thought about another child since my son was born. It's just never felt like the right time. Then last month I was able to purchase vials from my son's donor and everything seemed to fall into place. So, why am I not jumping for joy?

My life long plan has never included an only child. Then again, I never planned to be single this long either. I don't want my child to be an "only," forever. I want him to have someone in the world like him. I want him to have someone when I'm gone. This is one of the biggest reasons I want to have another child.

I am a fully committed full time college student and have several more years to go. Right now I have more time than most parents have with their children. I'm in school 4 days a week then at home for 3.  My income is stable and sufficient for my monthly expenses as well as savings and my son's college fund. I have a stable home and car. My family and friends are supportive. *If I schedule it right and *If all goes as planned I will only need to take off one semester for the last bit of pregnancy and recovery. (I understand nothing is set when it comes to pregnancy and children, but I've planned the best that I can for it. My pregnancy with my son was easy. There really wasn't much recovery) If it all goes haywire and I need to take off more time I will still have enough income and it's much easier to take time off from school than work.

This all sounds so positive why am I wavering?

I wish it wasn't a matter of doing this alone or not at all. I wish I had someone by my side. I wonder if I just keep waiting maybe the right person will come along. I'm not going to get any younger though and I already have complications with my fertility. I guess I'm just a bit sad over not being able to share this part of my life with someone who would love my son as much as I do.